I made a crazy decision less than 72 hours ago.
A decision I never saw coming.
I have been an utterly indecisive person for a long time and I decided I was ready to change that.
I am ready to change that because my lack of willingness to make decisions in my life is something I am coming to understand as weak and lacking direction.
I want to start feeling in control.
I want to start making decisions that guide me somewhere, towards something I believe in.
I have had enough ambivalence in my life and I am ready to make moves because I believe in them, not because I don’t care where I am.
I do care.
I am ready to care.
We should all care.
So let me tell you about the decision I made to come home.
Written in Indonesia:
I’m sitting alone in a damp room in Lombok, Indonesia.
It is 3:18 AM and I just decided I am going home.
Less than a month traveling through South East Asia and I’m coming home.
This was not an easy decision.
And I feel my ego being lost in the wind, as I make the call to quit this current endeavor.
My ego is being crushed, stampeded by a million gazelle, squashed like a dying pumpkin, bruised.
My ego has been so badly bruised.
But I feel like this is the first time I have been able to breathe in quite some time.
I haven’t felt like myself in weeks.
For quite a few reasons that I am not entirely sure how to explain.
But I have been making myself sick.
I have never been one to have panic attacks.
But recently I have woken up in my sleep night after night with a feeling that the room is closing down on me, while I am simultaneously being trapped in a swirling box of strobe lights.
Breathing becomes difficult.
And standing feels the way I imagine a newborn deer taking its first steps, unstable legs shaking uncontrollably.
I can’t get up because I am sure I will fall down.
And I can’t lay down because I am sure the room will never stop spinning.
I cannot breathe.
I cannot walk.
The lights are too bright.
The darkness is frightening.
I have never really understood the true feeling that comes with an inability to escape something so incredibly deliberating.
Like a mime trapped in a glass box I know there is another world out there, a safer place, but there is no way out and my heart beats faster as I am sure my chest will explode.
I cannot take it anymore.
I’ve also got this rash on my wrist that I have had for the entirety of my time in Indonesia.
I have no idea what is causing it.
I have never been one to want to go home.
I have never been one to get homesick.
I have been constantly plotting my next run from home for as long as I can remember.
Less than a month into “the trip of my life” and I have decided to go home.
At first I thought this decision made me feel weak.
But what I have realized is this is the strongest I have ever been in my entire life.
This decision makes me so strong.
This decision hurts my ego but strengthens my individuality in ways I didn’t know would happen.
The purpose of life is to grow, to be raw and so honest, especially with ourselves.
A year ago I was ready for this trip.
A lot changed in a year.
I am no longer ready to be where I am right now.
I was not ready to leave for this trip a month ago and I still am not ready.
I thought once I got to Bali things would change.
I thought I would fall in love with this new place and the new people, like I usually do but that did not happen.
I was not ready.
I tried so hard to be ready.
I tried so hard to be strong, to tell myself this was where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be doing.
But you cannot force yourself to live life a certain way.
I really thought I would figure out how.
But the body is a magnificent creature.
This body is the only one I’ve got.
It is the only temple that belongs soley to me, and it knows me better than I know myself.
When your body throws you signs every day that it is unhappy or unwell, I think you should listen.
At first I thought the rash spreading down my arm was a weird sunburn.
Turns out after three weeks and asking locals everywhere I went, I still have no idea what it is, other than a sign.
After weeks of waking up in that glass box and not knowing if I can remind myself how to breathe and having no control of how long it will take me to get out, I think I have had enough.
After too many nights of sitting in a bed thats not mine and not being able to lie down because the room is spinning and I don’t know why, I don’t think I can do that any longer.
So thank you body, thank you for physically telling me what my mind already knew but was too ashamed too accept.
I’m not sure where I am supposed to be right now.
Like I said, it is 3:00 in the morning.
I just woke up from sleeping for a couple hours.
I’ve turned all the lights on.
My backpack is packed and my hiking pack is ready and stocked with snacks for the hike up Mount Rinjani that I was supposed to have left for an hour ago.
I put down a deposit for a guided trek up this active volcano yesterday, with every intention on hiking 8,000 feet at 5:00 AM today, but throughout the day I began having second thoughts.
So here I am, three days later back on the other side of the world.
I could not be more proud of myself for leaving the place I knew I wasn’t supposed to be in right now.
I think we all know how much I love traveling.
And by no means am I done with this adventure to see the world.
But I am where I need to be right now.
It is beautiful and simultaneously terrifying how life has a way of pointing us where we need to be.