Coming Home: The toughest “easy” decision I ever made

I made a crazy decision less than 72 hours ago.

A decision I never saw coming.

I have been an utterly indecisive person for a long time and I decided I was ready to change that.

I am ready to change that because my lack of willingness to make decisions in my life is something I am coming to understand as weak and lacking direction.

I want to start feeling in control.

I want to start making decisions that guide me somewhere, towards something I believe in.

I have had enough ambivalence in my life and I am ready to make moves because I believe in them, not because I don’t care where I am.

I do care.

I am ready to care.

We should all care.

So let me tell you about the decision I made to come home.

 

Written in Indonesia:

I’m sitting alone in a damp room in Lombok, Indonesia.

It is 3:18 AM and I just decided I am going home.

Less than a month traveling through South East Asia and I’m coming home.

This was not an easy decision.

And I feel my ego being lost in the wind, as I make the call to quit this current endeavor.

My ego is being crushed, stampeded by a million gazelle, squashed like a dying pumpkin, bruised.

My ego has been so badly bruised.

But I feel like this is the first time I have been able to breathe in quite some time.

I haven’t felt like myself in weeks.

For quite a few reasons that I am not entirely sure how to explain.

But I have been making myself sick.

Very sick.

I have never been one to have panic attacks.

But recently I have woken up in my sleep night after night with a feeling that the room is closing down on me, while I am simultaneously being trapped in a swirling box of strobe lights.

Breathing becomes difficult.

And standing feels the way I imagine a newborn deer taking its first steps, unstable legs shaking uncontrollably.

I can’t get up because I am sure I will fall down.

And I can’t lay down because I am sure the room will never stop spinning.

I cannot breathe.

I cannot walk.

The lights are too bright.

The darkness is frightening.

I have never really understood the true feeling that comes with an inability to escape something so incredibly deliberating.

Like a mime trapped in a glass box I know there is another world out there, a safer place, but there is no way out and my heart beats faster as I am sure my chest will explode.

I cannot take it anymore.

I’ve also got this rash on my wrist that I have had for the entirety of my time in Indonesia.

I have no idea what is causing it.

I have never been one to want to go home.

I have never been one to get homesick.

I have been constantly plotting my next run from home for as long as I can remember.

Less than a month into “the trip of my life” and I have decided to go home.

At first I thought this decision made me feel weak. 

But what I have realized is this is the strongest I have ever been in my entire life.

This decision makes me so strong.

This decision hurts my ego but strengthens my individuality in ways I didn’t know would happen.

The purpose of life is to grow, to be raw and so honest, especially with ourselves.

A year ago I was ready for this trip.

A lot changed in a year.

I am no longer ready to be where I am right now.

I was not ready to leave for this trip a month ago and I still am not ready.

I thought once I got to Bali things would change.

I thought I would fall in love with this new place and the new people, like I usually do but that did not happen.

I was not ready.

I tried so hard to be ready.

I tried so hard to be strong, to tell myself this was where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be doing.

But you cannot force yourself to live life a certain way.

I really thought I would figure out how.

But the body is a magnificent creature.

This body is the only one I’ve got.

It is the only temple that belongs soley to me, and it knows me better than I know myself.

When your body throws you signs every day that it is unhappy or unwell, I think you should listen.

At first I thought the rash spreading down my arm was a weird sunburn.

Turns out after three weeks and asking locals everywhere I went, I still have no idea what it is, other than a sign.

After weeks of waking up in that glass box and not knowing if I can remind myself how to breathe and having no control of how long it will take me to get out, I think I have had enough.

After too many nights of sitting in a bed thats not mine and not being able to lie down because the room is spinning and I don’t know why, I don’t think I can do that any longer.

So thank you body, thank you for physically telling me what my mind already knew but was too ashamed too accept.

I’m not sure where I am supposed to be right now.

Like I said, it is 3:00 in the morning.

I just woke up from sleeping for a couple hours.

I’ve turned all the lights on.

My backpack is packed and my hiking pack is ready and stocked with snacks for the hike up Mount Rinjani that I was supposed to have left for an hour ago.

I put down a deposit for a guided trek up this active volcano yesterday, with every intention on hiking 8,000 feet at 5:00 AM today, but throughout the day I began having second thoughts.

 

So here I am, three days later back on the other side of the world.

I could not be more proud of myself for leaving the place I knew I wasn’t supposed to be in right now.

I think we all know how much I love traveling.

And by no means am I done with this adventure to see the world.

But I am where I need to be right now.

 

It is beautiful and simultaneously terrifying how life has a way of pointing us where we need to be.

 

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